She's weeds

English story....

I wake up every morning to the sound of the TV. I jump into my wheelchair and ask Erin to help me to the toilette and as always she ignores my calling and I end up rushing to the bathroom being too little too late. After changing my pants and washing myself I go into the living room as usual where she most of the time got some breakfast done for me and I quietly eat in front of the TV. She loves the TV so there is where I spent most of my days, trapped in my own apartment.

Don’t get me wrong though she is not just my personal assistant, she is also my girlfriend and I love her with my whole heart. I give her whatever she wants because she deserves the world to me.

Attention.
It was this one time when Erin and I were watching TV and I tried to reach Erin with my stick but since the space between the wheelchair and the sofa was too big I couldn’t reach her. I tried to lean forward with no improvement, I leaned a bit more and all of a sudden I was lying on the floor with a very strong feeling of pain in my back. I screamed for Erin to help me but she didn’t hear me or that is what she said after an hour of screaming on the floor.

When she saw me on the floor she looked shocked and said “You want help? Why didn’t you say so, I have been here the whole time and you couldn’t even ask me to help you. You never appreciate me. You think that I’m disabling in my work. ”
I stayed up that whole night in my chair thinking about how unthankful I am. I don’t deserve her and it’s a blessing that she stays with me, Aiden the painter in wheelchair.

 She did not talk to me for a month and when that month in hell was over she acted like nothing was the matter. It was Sunday when she decided that we for once should go to my favorite café in town called Elies Café and have some tea.
We went there and I think I even shined more than the sun. While Erin ordered our tea I drew a heart with her name in it on a blanket because that is what I do when I’m happy, I draw. When the waitress came with our tea I noticed Erin putting something in my tea. Something white but not sugar something white but not salt. I knew what she was up to but I didn’t do anything about it.
I drank the tea like it was the tastiest tea I had ever drunk in my entire life. I wrote “I love you” on the blanket and gave it to her. I started to tear up and cough very bad, my whole body was shaking and I felt like a snail with crushed shell. People came from everywhere to help me while the one I needed the most left me. Erin sneaked away and left me hanging with a bunch of strangers. I had never felt so lonely in my life, not even when no one at my own company wanted to talk to me did I feel as lonely as when she left me at the café.

Ambulance came and when I woke up I was back in the same hospital bed as before I got injured, the reason I’m in a wheelchair. I looked around me and saw a bunch of people even my old school teacher but not Erin. Two weeks went without her even stepping by the hospital to say Hi. I had called her phone every third hour and I sent her text messages everyday but in the end I felt like it was useless. She didn’t want me and I thought or tried to convince myself that I didn’t her either.
I ripped the picture I had of her in thousands and thousands of small pieces and deleted her number in my phone and I wished that I never meet her. A wish I regret.

 When I got out from the hospital I felt like a new person with no problems near and I felt like nothing could disturb my moment. I went to the park with an ice cream just to celebrate my freedom with myself. So in the park I sat and watched the children play when I saw her. The girl with the long light brown hair, the brown eyes and the black coat I paid for, Erin with another guy. My heart dropped like a 10.000 pound rock and I got sick to my stomach.

I don’t know where I got the nerves to do what I did because it is absolutely nothing I would ever do if you would ask me now. I went to their bench and threw the ripped picture on her and told her how right she was, about me not deserving her. I left her feeling like a real man but as fast as I got to the corner I threw up in the bushes. When I looked back I thought for some seconds that I saw her coming toward me but it must have been an imagination.

Later the same day I called the emergency service to come over to my apartment and help me with the regular basis, making dinner, buy milk in the store down the street, making me ready for bed. A horrible night later I woke up in the middle of the day. Someone was at the door but I ignored the doorbell thinking that he or she eventually would leave, but whoever it was kept on pressing the doorbell so I had to open. Erin wanted her stuff back.

I went into my living room, turned the TV on and acted like she didn’t exist. She kept on interrupt, trying to talk to me but I just increased the volume until she took the remote control out of my hands and shut the TV down. She told me how sorry she was and how I one day would find another woman to have in my life to love and live with.
I told her my version of it all how insulted I felt every time I went to the bathroom myself, how hard it was for me to take a shower by myself without falling break my neck and maybe die and how hurtful it was when she left me hanging on a string. I told her how much it hurt me seeing her with another guy in such a short matter of time. I told her how unreal she was to me when she talked and I also told her that I was over her and that she should leave me and never disturb me again.

 Suicide.

I had given up on myself that day three years eleven days and five hours ago. I had taken myself to Erins new apartment and I gave her a letter and left while she read it. I was crying so much the whole way to the railway station I could barely breathe and I had sore all over my hands because of the wheelchair. I waited for the train to come but whenever it came something stopped me from inside and I looked back for Erin, but she wasn’t there. I didn’t dare to do it because I was afraid, just when I was about to turn the wheelchair it got stuck in some kind of hole and I panicked, I could see the train far in the tunnel coming closer and closer. Everything got into slow-motion and people from everywhere came to help me, the way people came when the love of my life poisoned me. The people around me screamed over the top of their lunges but I couldn’t do anything, I was no longer paralyzed from my waist down but also the rest of my body. I thought I would die when I saw the train five meters away from me and I closed my eyes, I could feel the wheelchair moving and I heard a scream.

In some miracle way my wheelchair got thrown away into the wall and I got saved, the woman who saved me did not. I heard screams from everywhere and an ambulance came and took me and the woman to the hospital.

It was blood all over her face and her right leg was cut off from the knee.
She whispered something I could not hear even though I tried,
it sounded like: “You deserve better.”

 And then the woman passed out. In the hospital I visited the woman everyday and I always tried to talk to her. She was in a coma and the doctors said that she was very unstable and could die in any moment. I hoped with my whole body and soul that she would make it through another day, I prayed for her and I tried to give her some of my strength when nobody saw. I wanted her to live.

After a month in coma the doctors deseeded to turn off the mashies that kept her heart beating. I went to her funeral with a big black hat over my face hoping that no one would recognize me, the one who killed her by accident. I was in the back row the whole time the priest preached and when everyone had left I went to the Cubin to leave flowers. It was written with a weird handwriting on the tombstone:

“You will stay forever in our hearts,
 Our soul will never forget,
 Our minds are and will always be with you,
 Our beloved Erin Elaine Custon.”

My tears came faster than I could understand the situation. My body felt like ice and I couldn’t breathe. To live with the knowledge that I killed Erin was not to think about.
I opened the cabin and lay down beside her and there I lay until someone started to lift the Cubin. I asked the guys to help me into my wheelchair which they did and then I left and never ever came back. I never deserved her and if I could I would take back the heart that her body rejected.  The heart that killed her.